Harley Davidsons and Quitters

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:17

You were married to someone before daddy?

We initiated the conversation intentionally.  At 6 and 8, we felt they were old enough to know.  Still, it wasn’t entirely comfortable navigating that many questions.

"What's his name?  What's he look like?  Why'd you divorce?  Isn’t divorce a sin? Do I have other brothers or sisters? Where is he now? You rode motorcycles?  (Would these questions end?)




Answering best I could, we talked until they were satisfied and went back to playing.  "Wow," I thought.  "Glad that’s over.  It really wasn‘t that bad."

Yet, days later I still felt the weight of that conversation.  It was the first time I had thought about my divorce in a while.  And the very first time from a recommitted-to-Christ perspective.   

At 23, I'd met a man over 10 years my senior who was as wide open as me.  He had an outlandish personality and style, colorful past, lots of tattoos, long blonde hair, and a love of Harley Davidsons. And I fell head over heels in love with all of it.

We were alike in so many ways but the main difference was pretty distinct.  He was clean and sober and I wasn’t.  It amazed me to see him having more fun than me at bars and strip joints without a drop of alcohol or any drugs.  He was a quitter and proud of it.  So I decided to try it his way for a while. 

Less than a year later, we married.  

We traveled all over the country together.  I started out on the back of his Heritage but quickly ended up with a Sportster of my own.  We hit swap meets and motorcycles rallies from Daytona Beach to Myrtle Beach.  From Sturgis, SD to Four Corners.  We biked along the coast of California from San Diego to San Francisco and back.  We even made a pit stop to hang with a friend of a friend, Jesse James, at his shop, West Coast Choppers.

And I really wish I could tell you something awful happened that led to our divorce.  But, honestly, it was probably the same thing that happens to other couples.  Letting the little things turn into big things.  Not communicating our needs to each other.  Taking each other for granted. 

We noticed it and even put in a good year of couples counseling.  But since God wasn’t a part of our lives or marriage, we picked a secular counselor whose advice was focused on what would make us happy, how we felt, what we wanted.  Eventually, it all felt like just too much work.     

So, seven years after saying “I do” we both said “we quit.”  

God’s Word is clear that divorce is a sin and what I felt was the full weight of my sin.  Which is why I was so grateful that His Word was also clear on His forgiveness of our sins.  But even more than forgiveness, I was blessed.  Blessed to be able to have a message to share with my girls about how important it is they seek God’s will for whom they will marry and in keeping God the focus of their marriage.   

And, on any given Saturday morning, as I watch my husband help out around the house and see my girls playing more than helping, I am so very grateful for a God who makes beautiful things out of our messes.  And for a God who will never quit on us.  

And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”  Mark 10:11

As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12 (ESV)

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  Ecclesiastes 4:9 (ESV)

Jesus List and Boundaries

“An open rebuke is better than hidden love!  Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”  Proverbs 27:5-6 (NLT)

It seems I’ve been apologizing an awful lot lately. 

• I’m sorry my late night text woke you (um, correction, woke your husband). 
• I’m sorry you keep getting an annoying email reminder to “join me on Twitter.”
• I’m sorry that I make you uncomfortable with the way I share scripture/my faith/my prayers.
• I’m sorry for being grumpy, losing my temper, getting stressed out, yelling, fussing, speaking unkindly, being thoughtless, not making enough time for you…

An encourager by God’s design, my whole being revolts at the thought of having said or done something offensive to others.  Literally, it makes me sick to my stomach.

And then my mind rushes to defend my words or actions.  “I didn’t mean it that way.  They misunderstood.  They are being ridiculous/too sensitive/(insert word here).  It’s not my fault.  I can’t help it.  It’s their problem, not mine.”   

Sometimes, my defenses might even be true.  But it’s always God's way of using people or situations to remind me of a healthy boundary or alert me to an unknown barrier. Tweet this!

Soon after recommitting my life to Christ, I began emailing certain people to let them know what God was doing in my life.  But only the ones God laid on my heart and that I’d prayed over.  I’d share a story and some scripture maybe once a week. 

Within the first couple of weeks, I received an email from one of my friends asking me to take her off the “mass Jesus email list.” That God just wasn’t her “thing.” Ouch.  I felt nauseous.

The main difference between a boundary and a barrier is the motive.  A healthy boundary grows from love while a barrier is erected out of fear. Tweet this!

So when we encounter something that gives us that sick feeling in our stomach (like a criticism) it is essential that we quickly figure out if it is meant to help us or hurt us*.  

Let’s just be honest, here.  No one likes criticism.  We’d all much prefer to go through life with nothing but praises and pats on the back at how fabulous we are all the time. 

But as sinners living in a sinful world, we need to seek out and cherish those Godly friends who are brave enough and who love us enough to provide us with constructive, kind criticism.  And we also need to be that kind of friend to another.  Because we all have areas of our live where we could be more Christ-like. 

And for those people who erect the barriers, you ask?  The ones that harshly criticize out of fear, thoughtlessness, pride, hate, jealously, or misunderstanding?  You seek God’s help in showing them Christ’s love.  Because hurt people hurt people.     

And my friend, the one who asked to be taken off my “Jesus” list?  I credit her with beginning me down the path I find myself on today.  “What if email is too intrusive?  Wonder if there is a better way to share my faith, my stories, the Good News with people? …”

I sent her a thank you email a while back.  Told her how genuinely grateful and inspired I was by her request.  She was surprised and skeptical, I think, but her replies back to me gradually softened.  And I am hopeful that God will continue to do a great work of love in her heart and that, one day, the barrier would crumble and she would experience Christ’s overwhelming love through a personal relationship with Him.   

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…”  Genesis 50:20(a) (ESV)

“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.”  2 Timothy 3:16-17 (ESV)

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”  Colossians 4:6 (ESV)

*Source:  Terkeurtst, Lisa.  “Criticism Hurts”  18 June 2012.  Lysaterkeurtst.com <http://lysaterkeurtst.com/2012/06/criticism-hurts/ Monday, June 18 “Criticism Hurts”>  29 August 2013.

Free Pass and Chaos

 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.“ James 1:2-3 (NIV)

“If you need a minute to yourself, feel free to take it,” said my husband cautiously from across our living room. 

I had come in late from work, full of stress, and with expectations that no one had met. Not a thought about dinner, school stuff and empty chip bags littered the house, the T.V. was too loud, husband in a comfy chair and children glued to their electronics. 

“Chaos!,” I thought (and might have actually said). Why am I the only one here who sees the need here for dinner...structure...order...routine!!?

My girls, my husband and myself are Christians. We’ve even been baptized (and myself - rebaptized) as public professions of our faith and loyalty to Christ as our Lord and Savior. Why is it, then, that we all still encounter what seems to be endless problems? Tweet this! Isn’t our salvation supposed to be our free pass to a less troublesome, more joyful life? Why are we still constantly faced with communication problems, selfishness, anger, depression, anxiety attacks, physical ailments, addictions, financial problems, marital strife, friendship heartaches, family issues, fear, and worry?

God gave Adam and Eve a perfect environment. A place that contained everything they would ever need where they walked and talked with God each day. But was their perfect environment a free pass to a trouble free life? Nope. 

What about Jesus? He was the Son of God, fully God and fully man at the same time, perfect and sinless. But did that guarantee him a free pass to a problem free life? Nope. 

So does that mean we are doomed to joyless life here on earth? Nope.

Listen close...we DO have a free pass – good for one entry into a sinless, pain free dwelling place with Him for eternity. Too often we focus on the problems and not the hope Tweet this! – the hope that there is more to come than this temporary world and its problems and brokenness – the hope that even though we will have to endure problems in this world, that we have a God who is with us through all of them – the hope that every one of those problems had to pass through His hands to get to us and that He allows them because He intends for it to refine us, strengthen our faith, draw us closer to Him. Tweet this!

My oldest tentatively came back in the room – after having promptly exited at the first opportunity after our makeshift dinner - and said, “Mom, I wanted to apologize for whatever I did to upset you.” My heart broke a little. “It's okay, baby. You didn't do anything that I can think of. I apologize for being so fussy. Do you forgive me?” 

My next apology went to my youngest, who was peeking from around the corner, wondering if she was still in time out for having twice interrupted my “talk” with my husband earlier. “I'm sorry for being so fussy earlier, honey. Do you forgive me?” 

And I will say, in the midst of our talk, I apologized to my husband for hurting his feelings but the real apology came after a good night's sleep, prayers and the realization of how hurtful my behavior and words really were to him - I hadn't even noticed he'd cut the grass in the back yard. 

I asked him to pray for me, told him how much I needed him and loved him. And we “hugged it out,” as he called it. And I thanked God for His free pass of salvation to me and the free pass of forgiveness that my family gives me on a daily basis.

“Many adversities come to the one who is righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all.“ Psalm 34:19

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.“ Romans 12:12 (ESV)

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.“ 1 Peter 4:12 (ESV)

Cat Puke and Love

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 (NIV)

We’re sitting around the dinner table the other night, enjoying our homemade enchiladas and rice when I hear that unmistakable sound -- gagging, choking and then “blah-pth” -- cat throw up. Right under the dinner table…then again on the other side of the table…then again a couple of steps further. 


Welcome to my gross world with four indoor cats. 

One filled with us spending most of our time cleaning up poop, pee, hairballs, tufts of fur that resemble tumbleweeds and throw up found in the funniest places (do you HEAR the sarcasm?) 

We have 3 litter boxes that really need to be changed daily but that we change about twice a week which means my house likely reeks of cat urine to the outside world. Fortunately for us, I guess, we must have grown accustomed to the smell and have friends that are kind enough to visit us anyway. 

And the truth is, if I’m honest, I really don’t even particularly like cats. 

I inherited three of them when I married my husband. I had one already but only because I couldn’t have a dog at the apartment I was living in and I got desperate for company and broke down and got one. And did you know that cats live a very, very long time. Like 20 years long? 

My best friend’s son is allergic to cats so they can’t visit us often or for long. Which got me to thinking…what if I were to come down with a cat allergy…or someone accidentally left the door open and they escaped…or someone lost a cat and we could help them by donating one or four of them… I’ve always considered myself an animal lover so why do I find myself loathing these cute, playful little balls of fur?

When someone is nice to you, does things for you, makes you feel good, adds value to your life, makes your life easier, loving them feels natural. 

But what about the grumpy woman in my office…or the church lady who was so rude to me the other night…or the man who sexually abused me as a kid? Does God really expect me to be able to love him? I mean, geesh, wouldn’t it be like a huge thing for me to just be able to forgive him? But love him? Impossible! 

But see…that’s where God steps in. He says, "You can’t. Nobody could. Not by yourself. It is impossible…without Me."  He says all we have to do is ask Him and He’ll send the Holy Spirit to fill us with His love and then we just let it flow - from Him - through us - to those people. You are a vessel for His love, not the creator of it. Tweet this!

So, as I try not to gag cleaning out stinky litter boxes or faint while wiping up cat throw up or not freak out while trying to squeeze money out of an already stretched budget for 4 cat vet visits and their flea/tick medicine…I am reminded of all the times God has done the impossible and how He is actually using these cats to begin to teach me how to love the unlovable. And I lay all this at Jesus’ feet. And guess, what? 

I start to remember the way my husband pets those cats. How it calms him and melts away his stress. I remember how he used them to entertain our girls when they were babies and times now when the girls get a kick out of playing with them. 

And all of the sudden, loving them…and others…doesn’t seem quite so impossible for me anymore.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.” Luke 6:32

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.’” Mark 10:27 (NIV)

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Luke 6:27-28 (NIV)

“The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel.” Proverbs 12:10 (NLT)

“We love because he first loved us.” I John 4:19 (NIV)

Prison Time and Marriage

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV) 

I’ve only been to prison once and that was to notarize a document. But when those iron bars clanged shut behind me, it gave me chills. 

I’ve thought about that day a lot lately because my sweet “I’m in love with Jesus” friend has been called to take the Good News to the women at the Julia Tutwiler Prison. 

The headlines have been full of reports of abuse going on at that prison - unspeakable things happening - and honestly, until just recently I thought:

“So what? I mean, they are prisoners so whatever happens to them is pretty much their own fault for going and breaking the law to go to prison in the first place, right? 

And I’m sure they’ve done unspeakable things to others so ‘an eye for an eye‘, isn’t that in the Bible?” 

But, boy, once God rooted out my pride and showed me how much worse I deserved for all the unspeakable things I had done, for all of His laws that I had broken, and then He showed me His love, mercy, grace and forgiveness by choosing to take me back into His fold, His prodigal daughter, and wash me clean as snow and cover me in his righteousness...wow, my heart goes out to those women. 

But one woman in particular: my aunt. 

She‘s in that prison for murder right now and probably for the rest of her life. 

I pray that she’s hearing the Good News from my friend…that she has cried out to God from behind those iron bars and received His saving grace and mercy. 

I wonder how many times she has she wept over the life she took…and how many times the victim’s family and friends have wept. I wonder if she even knows that her son is getting married next month…

My husband and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this Thursday, August 1.

We had planned to memorialize it by recommitting our vows to each other and our marriage to God - just the two of us, our girls, and our awesome, Holy Spirit filled Pastor.

But we received news yesterday that my grandmother had passed away and though we are celebrating her going to be with Jesus and my Grandpa, we are sad, too. So we’ve put our plans on hold until we see how God wants to shake that out for us.

Besides, I recommit my marriage to God (and my life and my family) pretty much every morning so I’m okay with waiting on the formality…but I’m still super excited that we both would want to officially remarry each other because, at one time, we both felt kinda like prisoners in our marriage.

The “till death do you part” sounded like a life sentence because it seemed like we were angry with each other most of the time because we couldn’t figure out how to make each other feel loved*.

God continues to astonish me with His miracles in my life, but I guess working miracles in people’s lives are like his trademark thing, isn’t it?

*Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages book.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”  Matthew 5:21-22 (ESV)

“I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.”  Matthew 25:36 (ESV)

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (ESV)

Sorority Sisters and Forgiveness

Original Artwork by Bobby Mills

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

My college days consisted of attending night classes while working a full time day job and a part time night job.  Took me the span of 10 years to end up with a 2 year associates degree…but I’m super proud of that degree.

So I didn’t have an opportunity to join a sorority during that time but I’ve always looked in amazement at those people who have managed to keep up their old friendships from college (and some even high school!).

I believe God has given these people a double portion of forgiveness because in order to stay friends with someone that long, you have really got to be able to forgive - and a lot, I mean.

The longest friendships I’ve managed to keep up were 15 and 20 years, respectively, and God brought those to a close about the time I recommitted to Him. Those separations wounded all of us but God, the Great Physician and Healer, has a prescription of forgiveness that He writes for that. Instructions: Apply liberally and often. Tweet this!

God allows relationships in your life to begin, continue and even end so it’s just silly to try and blame the other person or yourself. It’s not about you, or about me, it’s all about Him and bringing Him glory. Tweet this!

And whether you still have your best friends from high school or college or you’ve just started a brand new friendship, remember…it’s not about the length of the friendship, it’s about the depth. Tweet this!

God has blessed me with continuing some older friendships and by establishing some fairly new ones - most of which are extremely deep and rich and rooted in a common love of Christ. But all of which will require forgiveness.
 
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13 (NIV)

“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” I John 1:9